Lord, please help me trust You. Please help me hand over control of my grades, weight, and life. Please, just take them! I cannot do it anymore as You can probably see from the way I’ve been so insistently trying to. I’m honestly terrified to give these things to You. I know You can see them breaking me though. I know I’m not actually alone on nights like these when I’m crying myself to sleep. You’re always watching. I know You’re longing for me to let You take over. I know You’re longing to swoop in and lift the burden off my shoulders. I know You want to scoop me up in Your arms to show me how loved I am. I know You know how difficult this is for me to do. Lord…. If You need me to make a B to help mold me into the final product You need, so be it. I’m just begging You to help me through it if it happens. I’m also hoping You won’t require me to make a B, but I don’t need to tell You that for You to know it.

… And that’s about where I drifted off. I recently went to God in tears with this prayer and asked Him to take control of my life again. It wasn’t a physically attractive sight, but emotionally and spiritually, something beautiful was occurring. I asked Him sincerely to help me trust Him. I’m so desperate now to lean on Him like I used to. I want so badly to be able to trust that He’s going to work things out for His glory. I want so badly to believe that everything will be just fine if I hand things over to him. I want to feel as if my world won’t completely crumble if I make my first B in Government this semester. I’m so desperate to get out of the hole of believing that if I make a B, no one will respect me, no one will think I’m intelligent, think I’m good enough, or want anything to do with me. It’s a heavy weight to carry, feeling as if I will be defined by my first B for the rest of my life if it’s the final result of my class this semester. I could go one for quite awhile about my fears concerning imperfection in the form of a B, but I’ll leave it at those worries.

I’ve been holding onto my control. I’ve been unwilling to hand it over to Him. I’ve felt as if I know what’s best. I’ve felt as if I must retain control in order to get the grades I want. I realized a few nights ago though that this entire five week summer semester, relying on myself hasn’t been going so well. I’ve cried multiple times over every B I’ve made on tests in the class. And it wasn’t just light, non-makeup-ruining tears. I’m truly ashamed of myself for being that upset over tests. When I consider that the numbers now define my worth though, it really explains why I was so upset over them.

I finally hit my breaking point. I finally just got so sick of the pressure that I broke down completely and literally cried out to God. It was extremely humbling. It was also extremely difficult. I’ll admit to being a bit prideful. I’ll admit to being mistrusting and thinking I know best. I’ll admit to being a total control freak, especially over my grades and weight. I could not handle it anymore. The weight of these test grades, these numbers, single-handedly defining me forever became too much, so I broke down and handed everything over.

It was terrifying, and I’m honestly thankful I fell asleep right afterwards instead of staying up to let my mind race over every detail of every possibility. When I woke up the next morning, I had that peace that only God can give. You’ll know exactly what I’m talking about if you’ve experienced it. It’s indescribable, although some say it’s peace like a river. I was still really nervous and scared to trust God. I don’t know why this is when I know He’s got so much more wisdom than I’ll ever have. I can’t explain why I lost my firm trust in Him, but it happened. Repeatedly throughout that day, he told me, “I got this! You can trust me!” He whispered it, He shouted it, He flashed it in neon right in front of my face. Over and over again He kept reminding me. It was seriously one of the coolest days of my life. Two extremely plain signs to me were two songs he lead me to.

One I heard on the radio in the car while going to pick my brother up from driversED. When I later went to look at the radio station’s recently played list for the song I’d heard, I came across another song in the process. They both gave me an incredible joy that honestly can only have come from God. I was filled with a happiness I haven’t experienced since the start of my eating disorder.

I’m still uneasy about this handing over of control. I’m still extremely anxious over my grade. Things certainly aren’t perfect, but God has done an excellent job at reassuring me that He’s got this. In the future, I may decide to take matters into my own hands again, and it’s very likely I’ll stumble yet again in the future. For now though, I’ve finally grabbed God’s hand and let me pull him up. I’m just rolling with it. I’m trying to hang onto his firm arm as tightly as I can as we make our way up this treacherous mountain and over the top.

The songs I’ve been getting a lot of encouragement from can be found linked here and here. They each have uplifting lyrics and catchy beats, so they’re overall just amazing!