August 8th may not seem like anything special to most people, but it was a big day for me! Yesterday, I reached one month clean. This is the longest I’ve stayed self-harm free since I began cutting back in January! I had to fight to get here. There were many times I came extremely close to breaking. Honestly, looking back, there were times that it’s nothing shy of a miracle that I didn’t cut. I’ve had a lot placed on me in the past month, and I’ve had other means (restricting and purging) of dealing with anxiety taken away from me. I made it here though, and it feels pretty amazing.

There’s a part of me that feels as if I have nothing to be proud of. Part of me says I shouldn’t celebrate because one month is nothing; I should be able to do better, then I’ll have something to be proud of. I often feel like seven months isn’t long enough for me to really say I’ve struggled with self-harm. I often feel like I never made enough cuts, never made deep enough cuts, to consider myself a self-harmer. Another part of me knows better though. These lies are dangerous sparks that can quickly lead to destruction. Another part of me knows that had I not gotten help, despite how weak I felt doing it, I would have continued getting worse. Another small part of me knows I would have continued to cut more and more each night. Another small part of me knows my cuts were getting progressively deeper and would have continued to do so.

I honestly hesitated to share this news with you all. I was extremely worried about setting myself up for failure. I was very scared that if I shared one month clean with you guys and didn’t make two months a reality, I’d be letting everyone down. In therapy on Wednesday though, my counselor made an extremely valid argument against this thinking. She convinced me to claim the victory as mine and celebrate without worry of what’s to come in the future because I earned this month!

The thought of celebrating by doing something kind for myself hadn’t really been one that had occurred to me until my counselor brought it up. The part of me that felt as if this was no big deal didn’t see any reason to do so! When I shared the exciting news with her though, the first thing she asked after congratulating me was, “What are you gonna do to celebrate?” As I shared the news with a few close friends yesterday, they all posed the same question. It was the strangest thing to me! Everyone repeatedly told me though that I definitely should do something kind for myself.

I am going to be doing something (I mean, how can I not after it became my “Therapy Homework?”), but I’m still not entirely sure what. I’ve got a few ideas, and one makes me very excited! Whatever I end up doing, I’m sure I’ll be sharing with you guys when it happens. For now though, I just wanted to share my first ever one month victory with you! Have a fantabulous weekend! – Jordan