The truth of the matter is that recovery is a challenge.

The truth of the matter is that recovery is often three steps forward, two steps back.

The truth of the matter is that recovery takes time.

The truth of the matter is that I don’t always want to recover.

The truth of the matter is that school starting, while I’ve stayed home, has been hard.

The truth of the matter is that, recently, I’ve really wanted to go back to listening to Ana, but I’ve continued to challenge myself anyways.

The truth of the matter is that resisting the urge to cut has been unusually hard, but I’ve been hanging on.

The truth of the matter is that I’ve given in and purged a few times in the past few weeks.

The truth of the matter is that I’ve been struggling lately.

The truth of the matter is that I need to be honest about this.

Being this transparent is not something I’m terribly comfortable with. I wouldn’t be doing anyone a favor to pretend there’s a such thing as a perfect recovery though. Everyone has their secrets, some bigger than others. Not everyone has the luxury of their secrets being able to stay as such- a secret, unknown. For my own benefit, my secrets have to be brought to light. I have to be brutally honest with others about things that have gone on when no one’s looking. No one, and I mean no one, with an eating disorder ever wants to “kiss and tell.” We don’t starve and tell. We don’t purge and tell. We don’t binge and tell. We hide it, we always hide it. It’s the nature of eating disorders and of the shame of the behaviors that come with them.

This is exactly why the truth of matters must be told. They must be brought to light where they can be talked about, dealt with, and moved past. This is why my lovely therapist- who I from now on will be referring to as K- asked me, after I was honest with her, to share with my mother that I had purged. No, I was not happy to have this request made of me, but I wasn’t angry either. No, I did not originally plan on doing as K asked and telling Mom. Where would that get me though? No. Where. God instructs us in Luke 8:17 that there “is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.” People would eventually have found out anyways. I would have continued in the cycle, and people would have eventually caught on. Even Broadway actors need to take five sometimes in order to stay in character, and I’m not anywhere close to their league.

This “disclosure of concealed things” is rarely a painless process. People hide things for a reason. Sometimes it’s shame, sometimes it’s guilt, sometimes it’s greed, sometimes it’s fear. Admitting to things that we’ve kept shoved down into the deepest corners of our spirit and mind is tough. Eventually though, it becomes even tougher to live with the secret. We can be crushed beneath the weight of all of our transgressions committed in the night. God created fellowship knowing this; He gave us a way out. He gave us the gifts of forgiveness, grace, mercy, unlimited second chances for repentent hearts.

So yes, I’ve had a rough past few weeks. So yes, I’ve made some mistakes. So yes, I’ve done some backtracking. So yes, I purged. But no, that can’t derail all of the other progress I’ve made in recovery; there’s no way I’m going to let that happen. No, I didn’t want to share. I didn’t want to be vulnerable and admit to it. I didn’t want to disappoint everyone. I didn’t want to fail. Acting like it never happened wouldn’t have done me any good though. Because I was honest about it, and because I’m being honest about it now, I can keep marching forward. Things are looking up now folks, there’s a silver lining to be found yet: with honesty comes the reward of support and a pillow to fall back on when things get tough, an acceptance of even the worst sides of you that means so much more than any amount of praise given to your best self could mean.

Before ending this, I do want to clarify one thing: the food that I’ve purged has been eaten outside of my meal plan. It’s been excess food, so there is no need to worry about whether or not I’m eating enough.