I am worthy just as I am.

Saying it feels strange on my tongue. Typing it, the key combination is foreign beneath my fingers. Such a sentence running through my brain, it’s out of place amongst the broken records reminding me of my worthlessness. As far as I’ve come in recovery, I’ve still got even further to go. For more progress to be made, the tape in my mind needs to be changed. Satan’s lies about my worth are no longer going to find a place in me. I’ve bought into them for much to long now, and it’s time I come back to God’s truth that

I am worthy just as I am.

Excuse me? Everything I hear in my head is quite the opposite. I must constantly be working myself to death to try and obtain worthiness. After all, “self-worth = performance + other’s opinions,” doesn’t it? (McGee 160).* This equation makes having a good self-esteem extremely difficult. In a mind where you can’t find anything worth loving about yourself, you find it difficult to believe that anyone else could possibly love or care about you. Yet, my Creator says that

I am worthy just as I am.

Of all people, a holy God should be the one pointing out all of my shortcomings and why I’ll never be worthy of eternal life in Heaven. This is what he says instead though:

I am worthy just as I am.

Ephesians 2:8-9 explains this phenomenon quite nicely: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith– and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Satan’s right, I’m not worthy on my own. I am worthy just as I am though. Confused? There’s nothing I could possibly do to buy my way to righteousness. God doesn’t care though. He loves every single imperfect human being on this earth with a passion only He is capable of. When we made the mistake of separating ourselves from Him by sinning, He built a bridge for us to come back on through his Son. So no, I cannot add up on my own. That’s exactly the point though. We’re all at the mercy of God of God’s unfailing love.

I am worthy just as I am.

Not because of anything I did. Just because the Lord says so. Mind-boggling, isn’t it? I may have been raised in a Christian home, in a close-knit church, hearing truths such as these daily. No one is immune to Satan’s trickery though, and even I fell off the path somewhere along the way. After working for so long to earn my worth, this concept seems utterly foreign to me. It was pushed out of my mind and replaced with lie after lie. It’s a bit frightening to stray from what I’ve been standing on, so I guess I’ll just have to trust K and God on this one.

I am worthy just as I am.

No, I can’t blink my eyes and suddenly believe it again. And while God could just snap his fingers and I’d be the most devoted follower on the face of the earth, he won’t. That’s certainly not out of neglect or in an attempt at punishment. That’s His way of using bad for good. He’s got to walk me through the journey, grit and all, before He can get the final project He’s looking for. Ephesians two goes on in verse ten to say that “we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We humans are slow learners though, so God’s in it for the long-haul to make sure we really get the message.

I am worthy just as I am.

He’s longing for me to believe it. He knows it isn’t that simple in the quick-to-stumble human mind though. So I am a work in progress, a block of wood in the hands of a master carpenter, a mound of clay beneath the fingers of a skilled potter. Someday, he’ll use this journey to recovery of mine. It’ll become part of the works He’s planned for me to do. I don’t know exactly what that’ll look like. Perhaps it’ll be nothing more than sharing my story. Perhaps it’ll become a career. Perhaps it only helps Him shape me into who I’m supposed to be before I can go on to serve a different purpose. Whatever He’s got in store for me, whatever the outcome of His project, there’s something I first need to come to believe and stand on before I can practice what I preach in His name:

I am worthy just am I am.

As life has settled into a slightly more repetitive rhythm, I’m going to be following a bit of a different posting schedule starting this week: Sundays, Tuesdays, and Fridays.

*McGee, Robert S. The Search for Significance. Nashville: Word Pub., 1998. Print.