I’ve come to realize that up until recently, I haven’t given much thought to my reasons to recover. It was something I initially was doing more to please others than to help myself. Wanting recovery is so crucial to reaching it though. So I realized that even though I haven’t thought much about it, I must have something fueling my fight. I must have a few things keeping me going. And when I really gave it some thought, I realized that I do have several forces behind my will power.

The first of which, is God and my future. Lucky for me, He can use anything for good. I don’t know yet what purpose my eating disorder will end up serving. It’s going to be good for something on some level though. It’s already proven to be at times, but I’m personally hoping it’ll be used even more in the future. After wanting to be an Obstetrician for seven years straight, I’ve now started considering the possibility of doing something in the realm of treating eating disorders instead. I realize that I’ll only ever be able to effectively do this if I’m fully recovered and God wills it though. Whenever I feel like giving up I have to stop and think: this is why I’m recovering- to possibly allow God to make a career out of my battles.

On more than one occasion, I’ve been presented with the opportunity to talk to others and help them through some struggles. These opportunities only arose because of my own eating disorder. Because of what I’ve been through, I’ve been able to empathize with where these people were coming from. They trusted me with the secrets they did only because of my battles. I won’t claim to be any sort of expert, but just having someone to talk to who understands and isn’t going to judge can sometimes be the biggest help of all. I’ve been so thankful for any opportunity that I’ve gotten to be that person to talk to for someone because it’s helped me just as much as it’s helped them. When these moments have arisen, I’ve not been able to think anything except for: this is why I’m recovering- to be able to help others.

Let’s just face it, life with an eating disorder isn’t much of a life. You’re so confined to what your ED will allow you to do. You’re so miserable because you’re never able to meet the unrealistic standards. You’re going through the motions and faking smiles, but you’re not really happy. I’d certainly like to do more with my life than an eating disorder would ever let me. I’d rather spend my time counting my blessings, instead of my calories; having fun with friends, instead of sitting at home with Ana; weighing different college options, instead of weighing myself. I’d like to live a day without a single thought to food or clothing or what possibly anxiety inducing settings I’m in or anything ED related. I’d like to see my dreams become reality, and frankly, they don’t include Ana tagging along everywhere I go. This is why I’m recovering– to live life and reach for the stars.

While this list is not by any means exhaustive, these were my top three. I want to go to college, and maybe medical school. I want to get married. I want to have my own kids. I want to adopt kids. I want to go on mission trips to Africa. I want to skydive. I never want to “work” a day in my life. I want to help others. I want God to use my eating disorder. I want to be free. And all of this, it’s all part of why I’m recovering.