For most, the idea of intentionally harming themselves is absurd. As humans, we have reflexes that are designed to make us pull back from something when we feel pain. Our natural reaction is to avoid it. Yet self-harmers crave it. We often romance our scars in a way others cannot fathom. Now, I don’t necessarily think that romancing self-harm and suicide as tragically beautiful things is all that great of an idea, but I understand why we do it. We know the pain another must be in to reach the point to making that first cut, scratch, burn. And in our empathy, we see beauty in the story others’ scars tell.

To paint on one’s skin is not a beautiful art. It’s an art that, for me, began by telling of a lot of anger at myself. Before I started cutting, I had often wanted to do so as a way to just feel the pain physically for once, instead of emotionally. I was always so afraid to make the first cut- with good reason as it’s not something anyone should ever do to themselves. I finally reached a point of so much anger at myself though that I got over my fear. The best way I can explain why I made my first cut is that I was so angry at myself that I truly believed I needed to hurt myself over it. People think self-harm is something done for attention, getting attention never once crossed my mind though. Never once did I cut because I wanted attention for it.

I did cut as a way to physically take out anger at myself on myself. I cut when I felt I had let people down, when I felt as if I’d fallen short. I cut when I felt out of control. I cut when I had too many things to think about washing over me, so that I didn’t have to think through them. I cut when I was feeling nothing, so that I felt something.

These feelings were my biggest triggers, excuses to inflict more of the pain I craved and felt I deserved. It’s a dark place to be in to feel that you deserve such pain, but that’s the life of a self-harmer. I’ve hesitated to really talk about self-harm all that much as a result of fear. Fear of being so vulnerable. Fear of people’ reactions. Fear of making others uncomfortable. A little bit of squirming isn’t always bad though, so I stepped outside of my comfortable box today, and possibly made you all do the same.

It’s time to help others understand this addiction though. Eating disorder awareness still has a long way to go, but it’s certainly come a long way as well. Self-harm is still an undiscussed topic though, but I think it’s time to talk about it a bit. It’s time to explain the motives behind it. It’s time to end the stigma, and to help others think before they speak.