Possibly the top response I get when someone first finds out I’m anorexic is something along the lines of, “I never would have known.”

Or: “I didn’t even realize.”

Or sometimes: “I can’t believe I didn’t see it.”

Or occasionally: “I should have figured it out.”

That was the point though. No one was supposed to see it, no one was supposed to figure it out, no one was supposed to catch on. Eating disorders and the addiction of cutting are very secretive things. Sometimes I feel like people have genuinely felt bad for not noticing. They just wish they’d picked up on certain things that they’d overlooked at the time. Let me just tell you all right now: it’s okay that you didn’t.

While I may be more apt to notice things that raise my concern for certain people, even I’ve been surprised. I’ve had people come to me with things that I never in a million years would’ve guessed they would deal with. I don’t blame myself for not seeing it though. I’m not upset with myself for not reaching out to them. I have to accept that people are very good at hiding their secrets and trust that I found out in the timing that I was supposed to. I can honestly say that out of everyone I know who has an eating disorder, I have yet to meet anyone who’s ever been upset at people for not realizing what was happening. Yes, we may often wish someone would hear our silent screams and rescue us from ourselves, but most of us are not resentful towards others for never hearing what can’t always be heard.

I know that all I personally want is for people to try to understand once they have heard the news. I don’t expect people to pick up on my struggles on their own- they, once again, are not supposed to- but if I find the courage to open up to someone about my struggles, I really do appreciate and love a willingness to learn. That’s what I care about: what someone does after they find out. I’ve experienced a wide range of varying responses when I’ve opened up to people about my ED. Some ignore it. Some think they get it, when they don’t. Some really do understand. And some know they don’t know what having an ED is like, but they try to understand. I am so incredibly thankful for those who put in the effort to learn and gain understanding, no matter what level of understanding they end up reaching.

Just a willingness to try and wrap one’s brain around everything an eating disorder encompasses is huge to me. So please, don’t feel as if you “should’ve caught on.” I never lost drastic amounts of weight, and I often would let people see me eating for the very reason of not worrying them. No one was supposed to “catch on.” That is precisely the point of us working so hard to hide our behaviors. When you find out that someone you know has an ED, don’t worry about whether you “caught on” or not. If you’re going to be concerned about anything, be concerned about the more important matter: what you do with the fact and whether you allow yourself to learn something new, for awareness is what we really want.