Learning to love imperfection has pretty much become my theme in recovery. It’s my blog name and URL, as well as my second Instagram account’s username. It’s more than a motto or name though; it’s what I’m doing. It’s what recovery really is for me. A large part of my eating disorder was trying to gain acceptance through perfection-thin and perfection being one and the same in my mind. Recovery for me has largely involved accepting the fact that no matter how much Ana tells me I can somehow become superhuman and be perfect by starving myself, I can’t. There’s approximately a one hundred percent chance that I’ll remain imperfect for the duration of my life here on earth, so it’s going to greatly benefit me to come to terms with that.

This is often easier said than done though. The belief that “I must be perfect to be accepted and loved” has become so ingrained in my mind, and I can’t simply flip a switch and undo the formation of that belief. I have started to challenge it in a few small areas though. For instance: writing this blog, telling my story as it unfolds. Every time I publish a post, I’m well aware of the fact that there’s a high possibility that, despite all of my editing, I will have missed some errors. I also realize that not everything I post will be content that others find quality in. I’ve come to accept that it’s okay. It’s okay for me to be human and make grammatical errors and share things that not everyone finds substance in. It’s okay for people to see my imperfections.

I have to remind myself quite often of this truth. I often find myself stating in short, simple sentences much like the ones above that “it’s okay.. fill in the blank.” Acknowledging the false belief is a great place to start, but it won’t do anything to change it. A conscious effort to challenge the belief and reacquaint myself with the idea that it may just be okay to not be flawless, will though. Lots of reminders and affirmations that the belief is false will, in time, change the belief. The process of learning to love imperfection will be far from easy or short, but it will be worth it.

So, no, I am not and will never be perfect. And that is perfectly okay.

Side Note: I’ve realized that three post a week is too much for me at the moment. I don’t feel as if I’m able to keep up three posts, while maintaining quality. As a result, I’ve decided to switch up my posting schedule once again. I’ll now be posting twice a week: Sundays and Thursdays.