Back in August of 2013, I reached the milestone of being one month clean for the first time since I had begun cutting eight months prior. K said that that warranted some celebrating and rewarding, and the result was my Recovery Bracelet. I got my chain and first charm at that time. The Hope charm was my very first, and it symbolized hope in so many different forms—hope of a better tomorrow and freer future.

Come October, I was three months clean and had earned myself a second charm. This time, I got the Faith charm. It, too, was symbolic. To reach that milestone, it took a lot of faith in God’s plan in the midst of uncertain circumstances.

It was after this point that the road became rocky. At four months clean, I relapsed. I was cutting again, and I started burning. My poor bracelet remained unchanged for quite some time. In January though, I managed to hit that one month clean mark again, resulting in the purchase of my sixteenth note charm. I also had the Love charm added to my bracelet as a reward for going three months without purging. I’m still working out exactly what the Love charm symbolizes for me, likely because the concept of self-love remains a gray area for me. As for the sixteenth note charm, it stands for everything music has ever done for me—taught me patience, perseverance, presentation; showed me passion and pleasure.

Now, here we are, a quarter of the way through the New Year, and my streaks have held steady. I have once again had two new charms added onto my beloved bracelet as a gift to myself for making it to three months clean again and six months purge-free, the butterfly and pointe shoes respectively. The butterfly charm had always been on the list of charms I wanted because it’s a symbol of recovery amongst self-harmers. The metamorphosis caterpillars undergo before becoming butterflies is also quite metaphorical of the transformation that occurs in a person throughout recovery.

As for the pointe shoe charm, I wasn’t certain that I would pick that one until the day of. I signed up for the first dance class of my life last September, unsure of what I was getting into, and knowing I was getting into it late in life compared to most. In the seven months that have followed, I’ve grown to really enjoy dance, ballet in particular. For me though, the biggest thing has been the fact that I am able to go to class week after week okay with the fact that I am not, nor will I ever be, the best girl there. I’m okay with the fact that dance is something I do purely for fun. It’s not that I don’t do my best and try to excel; I’m still a perfectionist. I haven’t crossed the line into the land of obsession though, which could arguably be the biggest feat in my case. With all of this in mind, I knew I wanted the pointe shoe charm. I may never have the ability to go en pointe in my lifetime, or perhaps one day I actually will, but I enjoy dancing, and it’s played more of a role in my recovery than I ever anticipated.

Eight months from when I first got my bracelet, and it’s beginning to fill out. I no longer spend the money on myself for charms with guilt; I look forward to having them added, regardless of it temporarily depleting my money stores. Each day when I close the clasp on my bracelet around my wrist, I can’t help but admire it. It’s not been easy to get to the point I’m at today, but one foot in front of the other has started adding up—visually represented in my delicate showcase seen daily on my wrist.