In my last post, I introduced what I’ve been doing this academic year as an emergency medical responder and answered some of the most common questions I get when people first find out I volunteer with a local fire department (FD) (you can check it out here). 

Today I want to address the more complex questions of why I do it and what challenges it brings. I also want to talk about some of the surprising responses I get when people first find out about my involvement, which I think largely come from a lack of understanding about why I volunteer and how I handle the challenges it brings, and maybe a little bit from a fear of being uncomfortable. 

Before we dive in, though, I want to quickly recap and expand on a point I got into in my last post: the FD I volunteer with is 100% volunteer. A lot of people think that I work at the station, that I have shifts when I have to be there, and that the station always has personnel on sight ready to run calls the moment they come in. If it was a paid station that would be true, but we are 100% volunteer. Most people just don’t realize this and what all that implies. If I’m being honest, I didn’t know that volunteer stations existed until I got on with one. I took for granted the availability of EMS services and never really stopped to think about who would show up if I called 911, just trusted that someone would. I would argue that most of us probably fall into this boat because, thankfully, most of us don’t call 911 on a regular basis. 

All of that to say, the FD is not our personnel’s primary job, or even a “job” at all despite the fact that the hours our chiefs and officers put in to keep the department going near those put in at a full-time job. But we work, we go to school, we raise families, and we drop all of that when we answer a call. Don’t get me wrong, we wouldn’t do it if we didn’t enjoy it and feel a sense of purpose and responsibility about it, and while, yes, I do spend a fair amount of time at the station because it is a quiet place to study and has become a second home to me (I actually wrote most of my undergraduate thesis sitting on-top of the hose bed on one of the fire engines, it’s kind of my spot), there’s not always personnel there. Most of the time, the station is empty and we are living our lives. When a page goes out, whoever is responding heads to the station, picks up a vehicle, and off they go. 

So why do we do it? Why do I do it?

It’s something I’ve asked myself a lot. In part, if I’m honest, my motives are somewhat selfish. I want to go to medical school and I know that this is great experience that will look good on a resume and sound good when talked about in interviews. That’s just the truth, but that is not the whole story. 

Another small portion is that I’m an adrenaline junky, and running calls will definitely give you an adrenaline rush. Maybe that wears off with experience, but when you’re still as new and fresh as I am the adrenaline definitely gets flowing. 

Ultimately, though, I go back to why I want to go to medical school in the first place: because it’s been my dream since I was six years old or so because I wanna help people. There are lots of ways you can help people but medicine has always been my calling; there’s no doubt in my mind about that. And maybe I won’t end up in medical school, maybe I end up in nursing or physician’s assistant school when it’s all said and done, but one way or another I intend to end up in scrubs and a hospital and/or doctor’s office. 

I want to care for people’s physical bodies when they fail because our bodies matter, and God has so graciously gifted us with an incredible (although so very finite) understanding of his absolutely genius and wondrous creation. We have the ability and knowledge to treat and cure so many ailments and are learning more every day. While there are times that I think medicine focuses too much on the body and forgets to treat a person as a whole- mind, body, and soul- I also think that modern medicine is amazing and find the human body and its capabilities breath-taking, fascinating, marvelous.  

Thus, when presented with the opportunity, first response seemed like a natural place for me to get involved while I continue to work towards my ultimate goal and dream of medical school. It allows me to get hands-on patient experience and also to do a little good. Hear me on this friends, we (Christians) are not saved by works, but good works should be a natural outpouring of our faith. We are called to be the hands and feet of Christ; to help others; to demonstrate Christ’s love by loving others. There are lots of ways for us to do that, and for me, first response is part of that.  

It is not my entire life, though, and balancing first response with school and work and friends is hard, straight up. I sacrifice and miss things to be at training on Thursdays, I miss out on sleep when I run calls late at night, or miss out on study-time when I run them in the evening or on the weekends. I don’t often miss class, but I have once or twice for calls. I’ve certainly missed out on time with friends. 

Don’t hear me saying that I regret it though; I regret nothing. Every time the pager goes off, I have to make a decision: am I a first responder first or a student first? A first responder or a friend? A first responder or someone who needs sleep? Am I gonna run this call or be selfish and do what I want to do? Sometimes it feels like whatever I chose I’ll be wrong, sometimes it feels like I can’t win and sometimes there’s going to be a guilt trip on either side. Sometimes I have to stop myself from feeling selfish or guilty when I don’t leave class or give up time studying to run calls. Sometimes I have to choose to be a good student over being a first responder. 

Making those calls has gotten easier in some ways as I’ve gotten *slightly* more experienced yet is still difficult at times. Sometimes, it feels like whatever choice I make, it will be the wrong one. Often, someone is going to question the call I make regardless of what I do. Maybe question isn’t the right word, but certainly, something will be said by someone. Either someone from the FD will tease and ask why I wasn’t on x call or at y event (totally teasing because its their love language, but you get my point) or less harmlessly someone from outside the department is likely to question why I ran x call or attended y event if as a result I miss class or lose sleep or don’t study as much or skip church. 

Not that it is anyone’s business but mine how I choose to spend my time, but for a people pleaser like myself, that’s hard. I want to please everyone. I want everyone to be happy with me and the decisions I make, and while I have come a long way and say no a lot more than I used to in an attempt to take care of myself better, it’s still a struggle. When you are not always confident you made the right decision to begin with, it is hard to have people question that decision. 

The number of times my decisions around running calls and involvement with the fire department in general has been questioned has been one of the most surprising parts of my involvement. Largely, when people find out I volunteer, they are just curious. They don’t know a lot about the department, about how volunteer departments work, and about what involvement looks like. A lot are really intrigued but supportive, and I love that. I love when people are just asking because they want to learn more. I love telling people about the FD because so many people are so uneducated about our EMS system and how things work and the chance to educate is great. But there has been disapproval and questioning in the mix as well. Uncertainty of the time commitment it is; questioning of my choice to run a call at a given time; disapproval about my definition of balance between my identity as a student and identity as a first responder. 

I think a lot of us struggle to demonstrate Christ’s love when it requires something of us, when it requires our energy at the end of a long day, when it requires us to get uncomfortable, when it requires us to enter into something hard and unpleasant, when it takes away from our abilities to perform elsewhere. I often wonder if a lot of the less supportive responses I’ve gotten towards my involvement stem, in part, from this fear of getting uncomfortable. 

Ultimately, though, it doesn’t really matter. It does not matter how people react or why they react the way they do. I enjoy the learning and growth involved with volunteering. Does it still scare me a little bit? Sure does, but rather than letting that stop me I try to let it motivate me to get better, and I think that a little bit of fear is probably healthy. I do it because someone has to, and God has gifted me with the desire to care for the physical body, the fascination in understanding how bodies work, and a strong stomach around bodily fluids, so I’d say he created me to be a decent fit for the position. 

We are all called to different things. We all reflect our Creator in different ways. We each play unique roles in making this world go round. For me, during this phase of my life, being a student and a first responder are key components in my calling. So I go to class and I study and I run 911 calls from time-to-time and it’s a messy and crazy and beautiful life all at once.