This spring, I have settled in more and started to stretch my wings for the first time. Looking back, I can see how much of the fall I spent trying to simply acclimate and survive my first semester of medical school.
My sleep schedule struggled to get on board with normal patterns after two years of night shift / 24-hour shifts. I was having to get back into the discipline of academic life after two years in the working world. And I was just trying to figure out what the expectations for us were and what I needed to be doing week to week, what resources I found helpful, how to focus my studying, etc, etc.
I’m sure it has been a combination of many things, but this spring got off to a much better start, and some of the imposter syndrome has started to subside. (“Some of” and “started to” being the key words there.)
Last semester, I felt like I was in way over my head. I struggled my way through musculoskeletal and neuro. I was embarrassed by my grades but tried to not be too hard on myself (thankfully, we are a pass/fail program). I frequently felt lost and like I just did not have the level of understanding that I should have or that my classmates did. I was in awe of how easy they all made it look, the intelligent questions they asked (vs me, who was too confused to even know what to ask), the projects they were working on, and the connections they were forming with faculty. I heard a lot of chatter about people being involved with x project or doing y research.
Do I need to be doing that too?
Where did they even hear about this stuff/how did they find it?
What would the faculty think of me if I approached them? How do I take that first step and approach them, and what about? Would they regret admitting me to the school? See my below-average grades and below-average understanding/mastery and realize there had been a mistake: I did not belong in medical school?
These questions swirled around my head, planting seeds of doubt. The weight gain I was experiencing didn’t help either (more about that here). It all contributed to a diminishing lack of confidence which kept me frozen, just trying to survive.
I’m not sure if it’s finally having an adjusted sleep schedule, switching up study methods, new subjects which I find are clicking more easily, or just adapting to medical school, but this spring has been better. I feel like I’m understanding more. Like I can contribute to discussions in class and actually bring something to the table— now the quality of what I bring may be debatable, but at least I am bringing something— vs just being there to feast on what everyone else brings.
Module 4 ended strong and gave me a much needed confidence boost. Working on getting more nutrients into my diet and getting back into working out regularly has also helped.
Now, we are halfway through our fifth and final module of the year, and I finally feel like I have found some more solid footing. Sometimes, just taking the first couple of steps is the hardest. I definitely had to work up to them, had to find a little bravery. I have started to get to know some of our faculty more, to reach out to them with some ideas I have had, am growing a tiny bit more confident about my place in medical school, and beginning to stretch my wings a little bit, and it feels good.
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